Will worse things Come After Lyme? Tough Questions for a Mama's Heart

Jocie woke me with hard questions last night.

"Mom, what if God made me go through Lyme to prepare me for something harder? Like my kids being sick or worse?"

My heart squeezed tight and hurt. Telling my dear daughter that I couldn't promise there won't be other catastrophes in her life was not an option. But what if? Why?

How do I answer these questions and soothe her anxious heart.

So this morning, when I was awake (and not pulling my earplugs out because Chris's snoring shakes the house) I could share the truths I know.


I pray God can prevent worse things happening to her, even though I know as a 47 year-old there are many crap things in life.


While God does not always prevent or save us from the awful things in this world (and I honestly have some issues with that!) he does help us through them. He grows and changes us, and then we can help others.

We hope, pray, scream for a cure to be found for Lyme and other tick-borne diseases. SOON!


The reality is research is not well-advanced or well-funded. The CDC and Infectious Disease Specialists Association (IDSA) do not fully recognize chronic long-term Lyme. (Yeah - look that up.) Insurance companies do not work with Lyme Specialists and many will not reimburse treatment fully. (That's a soap box all in itself.)

So - I can't promise that a cure will be found for Lyme and TBD by the time she has children. But she will be treated with antibiotics while she is pregnant, and sometimes that prevents Lyme bacteria  from passing to babies.

Having Lyme myself has sucked. But, I truly see it as a gift.

If I didn't have Lyme I could not have fathomed how she was suffering. I couldn't have understood that the days you feel good enough for a fun conversation do not mean you feel good enough to get off the couch.

I know myself - I would not have been as sympathetic or compassionate. I would have pushed her and made things even worse. It would have been so much harder to know how to help her.

Without having Lyme myself, I would not and could not be the mother she needed to survive this awful disease.

So if her children have Lyme...she will recognize it. They will be treated early on in their disease. Their experience will not be what she has gone through. She will be the mother they need.

As for other awful things in life - a question no teenager should have to worry and lose sleep over  - she will remember she is strong enough to survive. She is strong and courageous. She is brave and conquering things we would fear.  And...Her mama's love and admiration will always be with her fighting life's battles along side her.

How in the world will I get to sleep tonight? I would love some better answers and explanations of whether worse things will come and how to handle them.

Having Lyme Together

"Mom, you never get the chance to be sick."

"No one ever asks how you're feeling. They don't seem very concerned that you have Lyme, too."

They do, but I try to keep the focus on her.

Also, I feel very guilty complaining about being sick myself when she is so very sick. It's like complaining about a paper cut to someone who had both their legs blown off. Unfortunately, I'm not that unselfish. I do complain. I even complain to her at times. But usually it's a, "Wow, you must feel this awful all the time. I'm so sorry," kind of complaint.

I realized very quickly that my Lyme infection is a gift. Learning through experience is the most complete way to learn. If I didn't have Lyme I would not understand half of what she's going through.

I understand...
...arms filled with lead tiredness.
...crying and crying and not really feeling sad, but not being able to stop.
...being too tired to shower.
...not caring if you ever wear anything besides pjs again. At least you don't have to think about pjs.
...that babesia treatment is hard. And LONG.
...how awful flagel tastes.
...the yucky, yellow mepron is a million, billion times worse.
...just the thought of mepron can make you throw up a little in your mouth.
...you dream of the day that there are no medicine bottles filling your cabinet, counter, bedside table.
...the couch is your best friend, but your bed is even better.
...charmin wipes are heavenly.
...choosing what to eat is an ordeal that could make you cry.
...reading takes way too much effort.
...not remembering what life is like when you're not sick.

Finding Good in the Lyme Journey

The summer after my sophomore year I found an internship in a knitting mill.  Actually, I worked 2nd shift and was in charge of three knitting machines, but they pulled me into the front office for three days to call it an internship.

Once I got the hang of tying knots, unloading the huge rolls of fabric and having break with older ladies with self-proclaimed little understanding of birth control and more interesting stories about where they applied their hair coloring than should ever be shared, I had long periods of time on my hands. Even while working I had plenty of time to think. And think. And think.

I had been through a traumatic event the year before. All those hours, often sitting waiting for the next burst of action, I had time to process what I could not in earlier emotional months. Times to recognize that the daily schedule of an 8 hour job was good. Working with my hands - cathartic. Time to just be, and think, and heal.

It was a life lesson I never forgot.

Birdie has lot of time on her own hands now with very little social interaction. On days she is able, she busily types away. I'm not really sure how much she is processing her own journey. She firmly declared she does.not.journal. That's for mom. She's a writer. She constantly has stories evolving in her mind. I think they keep her mind off daily struggles. I pray they do. I really think time of processing this journey is in the future. And yet.

Birdie doesn't focus too much on the what ifs. She told me that she only has one choice - to grow and become a better person from this illness, because the opposite choice is just not acceptable to her. She will not become bitter and regretful.

A wise mom who has travelled this road before me recently shared,

We learned to shift quickly and often seamlessly between the really awful days and experiences and those that were not half-bad and sometimes even offered glimmers of improvement.  We learned not to hold on to any of it, just move through it - bear the bad and CELEBRATE the better - infusing humor where we could.  We look back now and see so much growth and so many wonderful moments that drew us closer and made us stronger.

My prayer for our family when they were just tots was that God would tie us together with strong bonds of love. I am seeing that prayer fulfilled.

I am beyond thankful for a dad that ALWAYS made me laugh in the hard situations. Whether I was mad, crushed, or sick he'd have me laughing within minutes. That gift is truly priceless.

My sense of humor in no way equals his, but at some point, even on our worst days, I can draw a smile.

And in those moments, we are good.

So How Was Your Exciting Weekend?

Was just asked by a person who fully knows our situation, "So what exciting has been going on?" Anything exciting in your neighborhood or did you do anything this weekend?

Well - I took care of Birdie.

That's what we do.

I cooked meals. Took a nap. Made more meals. Gave her a bath. Did the 2 hour bedtime routine.

Was it exciting?

The long nap Saturday afternoon nap sure was.

The Year of the Couch Is Over

On New Year's Day, 2013, I was praying for a fresh start.  I wanted to wake up and find life to be bright and full of hope.  For things to be easier.  I quickly realized (see this post) that the difficult things in life aren't simply removed by a new date on the calendar.  In fact, sometimes when you think you're at the end of your rope you don't realize how long you'll actually be stuck there clinging.

Yet in this first month of 2014, I feel like I have turned a corner.  The darkness has been overcome.  2013 - my personal year of sitting on the couch has come to a close.  It is time to get up and start living again.

Ahhhh...hear me taking deep, joyful breaths.

Day 6 of this Crazy Diet

Ok - so this is hard.  

Why wonder Birdie hates the diet, the nutritionist and probably me at this point.  I'm hungry - yet not.  I'm irritable.  My head doesn't hurt per say but I feel like there is a vice from temple to temple.

And brain fog - let's just say, "Brain, what brain?"

Day 6, it got bad for me yesterday.  Birdie day 2.  Wonder how many more days until somebody feels fabulous.  How about just no more stomach aches for Birdie?

She woke up in severe pain this morning.  It hurt to stand up.  She's back in bed after her protoniz, carafate, benzyl cocktail.  She should sleep away the worst of it.  It's actually time to check in and see if she feels up to 8th period.  I did put a little cinnamon on her sweet potatoes last night.  She needed the carbs and she detests them.  Who knows if it was that or the pear/mango smoothie?

Stomach Pain

Birdie has been struggling for months.

Her stomach started hurting January 5th and hasn't let up yet.  Some moments have been awful.  Some have been hopeful.  At this point - it's just been long.  And frustrating.  Can you imagine how frustrating it is when your child is balled up in pain and the best thing you can do for her is sit beside her and hold her hand?

Let me be clear - that pretty much stinks as a health care plan.

I have learned more about the digestive track and heard how much is unknown about the digestive track than I ever thought I would.  And I'm also really sure I've barely cracked the book on this learning curve. Birdie is in that lucky group that all her tests come back normal. Except for a low white blood count (that no on ever worries about) and a major weight loss for someone so slim to begin with. Birdie's GI specialist at Children's has told us many times that 90% of stomach pain is never diagnosed. As in they don't know exactly why a stomach hurts so bad.  They just know it hurts.  The good news is they believe you that it hurts.  So they give you an acid reducer, Myralax, tell you to get up at a normal time, exercise, do fun things, go to school.

Ummm, did anyone listen to how bad this is?

She has pain 10 minutes after eating.  You can see her double over in pain as the food gets to her stomach. She is pale and listless - whether from the ongoing pain or what. She isn't herself. Her brothers keep asking me if I've noticed how pale she looks - like I could miss it. Mornings are awful.  She wakes in pain. It takes a while for that to ease. Nights from half and hour to an hour after dinner are awful. She wakes several times a night in pain. All that pain causes her to avoid eating, which leads to the weight loss. The doctor says she's constipated.  She goes everyday, but he always feels poop in her colon. When you have trouble eating and getting food in, it really messes up poop coming out. Her endoscopy showed beautiful tissue, but also found food in her stomach and small intestine.  She had eaten over 12 hours before. That led to an initial diagnosis of gastroparesis. The thought at that time in February was that it was caused by a virus and would eventually heal (although I kept reminding everyone that she was on a high dose antibiotic when this started). At that time she was starting to improve a small amount.

Further testing a few weeks later showed a perfect gallbladder on ultrasound and good motility with a barium x-ray series. Liquid flowed through the stomach and small intestine quickly and did not show any Chrons. Yet why all the pain??? At that point the doctor spoke of putting a feeding tube down Birdie's nose if she didn't start gaining weight.

Birdie currently has four medicines in her arsenal.  I must give them some credit. Periactin has been the life saver.  It has increased her hunger - imperative for her to regain the weight she loss. It helps block pain receptors between the gut and brain. This further enables her to eat.  It also makes her sleepy.  What a gift it is for her to sleep through the night without waking from pain.  Doesn't always work, but this is a great pill in my book.

However, even with these medicines, she still has daily constant pain and episodes of severe pain.  She can't even think about making it through a school day.  She's on homebound instruction and sometimes barely makes it through one of those sessions.  At this point her eighth grade year is slipping by as she tries to sleep through it.  She really wants to be back at school with friends again.  She wants to feel like talking to other kids and that she has the energy to walk from class to class.

Yet we're not getting there this way.

So I finally went to plan B.  Or maybe I should just call it step 2, because I think the solution to her problems will be a combined effort.

I called a holistic nutritionist.

And that is several posts in itself.

Master of Peace

Simon replied, "Master, we have been working all night long and caught nothing.  Yet if you say the word, I will let down the nets" (Luke 5:5).

Master - such power and peace in that word. I can sit and just rest in that word.  Simon is acknowledging Jesus' authority - not just his theological and God given authority but also a knowledge of fishing, something Simon has been doing not only all night, but his entire life.

Each time I read this verse, the word "master" pulls at my heart. It is a balm to my trials and worries. It's an ahh moment. I can rest in the knowledge that he is master, not me.

Simon's first sentence also makes me laugh. I can so relate. "Dude. We have been doing this ALL night. There's nothing to catch. Don't you know, we know how to fish."

Sometimes in life we are not prepared to listen to good advice. Sometimes we have heard it all and then some. With Jocie's illness, so many people have a suggestion. Have you tried gluten free? Have you had your air ducts cleaned? Have you tried a specialist? Is her specialist the best in the nation? Have you heard of probiotics?

And that's without reading the internet.

(And believe me - I so wish a probiotic pill or additive would clear all this up. She's been taking probiotics for years. I don't notice a difference at all. Yet, then I read there's so many different kids of probiotics. Aiyaya!!!)

I know they just want to help. Shoot - I am looking for an answer. But sometimes you just want to say - yes, I've tried it. It's NOT working. Just fix it.

Then there's Simon's second sentence. It matches with his acknowledgment of "Master." "Yet, if you say the word, I will let down the nets."

There is hope and reassurance in this verse.  Jesus is master of not just our spiritual lives but the whole package. He knows how to do our jobs so much better than we can imagine. He actually IS the love we share with others. It's the acknowledgment and release of control to Jesus that brings the peace I so desire.

Lord - when I am tired, frustrated, and out of my own options let me turn to you.  Lord, let me keep my eyes on you even before I run out of my own strength.  I am so limited.  You are so powerful.  Lord, be my peace and strength.  Amen.

Headed to Hogwarts!

Yesterday, John's welcome packet for WPI arrived.  He read the entire letter aloud to me.  His eyes were glistening and his voice shook just a tiny bit with excitement.  He then opened the welcome booklet.  A few pages in he looked up and said,

"This is like going to Hogwarts."

That is one of the best things I've heard in the last year.

I am filled with love and excitement and peace and joy for our dear boy. It assured us that this long road to a college decision ended where he dreamed. I don't think there was any other way John could have conveyed how happy and pleased he is with his decision and the road ahead. Chris burst out laughing with joy himself when I repeated the story to him. Oh, happy, happy day!

Treasures from My Walks

The moss turns green first in the spring.

The largest pileated woodpecker I've ever seen.  It was huge I tell you. I'd say almost 18 inches long if not bigger.  I loved seeing it, and I sure am glad it was pecking on a dead tree in the woods rather than our eaves.

Busy, busy squirrels full of energy and spring excitement.

Three deer that stood and watched me this morning.

Snow flakes that fell on my nose and eye lashes the first day of spring break.

Seeing thousands of trout lilies.  I even saw some of the first blooms.

Another woman doing her yoga stretches by the large turn in the creek.

An eagle gliding above the park as I entered.

A man allowing his very nice dog to run free and occasionally chase the squirrels in the woods.  There was such beauty in their relationship and the freedom to let a dog run knowing she would return.

How spring exploded this week with this bout of unseasonably warm weather.  Cherry and pear trees are blooming, the grass has greened up, and leaves are quickly sprouting.

Jumping from rock to rock up the creek.

Taking what must be a deer trail off the walking path to the creek.  I found the hoof prints where the deer cross the creek and climb up the bank.  I found signs of geese and then finally in a curve that forms a large quiet pool, the geese.  I walked further and found a huge area of sand and pebbles.  Just ten yards from the path everyone walks each day is a totally different landscape never seen.

Sitting on a rock in the middle of the creek this morning, seeing the sun filter through a newly green tree branching across the creek and glitter off the water as it tumbled over rocks upstream.  From my perch I could look up and downstream as the creek gently curved in both direction and flowed over many other rocks.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of rocks, water, moss, sunlight.   

Peace.  I have found peace.

Who Knew?

Birdie is a writer.  She's always liked writing stories.  One of her favorites was her version of The Mitten by Jan Brett that she wrote and re-wrote starting at age 6.  But recently she shared what she's been writing for her own Fan Fiction page.

I read it with my mouth wide open.  She gets it.  She writes with great detail that brings you into the story.  Me - I'm just journalling.  She Writes.

Who knew that was there???

I shared this new discovery with her oldest brother.  He just took it in stride and said, "Yeah, you guys made some creative kids."

That we did.

The Healing Path

My healing path wanders from our neighborhood to a nearby park. As my soul has craved spring, it has also craved nature.

God speaks through nature.  It's His masterpiece.  I don't have the words to express how walking through the woods, listening to the water rushing through a run of rocks, the rat-a-tat-tat of the biggest pileated woodpecker I've ever seen, the silence of a mallard fishing in the quiet depths, and the smells of falling snow or the freshly turned spring earth scream out the assurance of God to me.

I am immensely thankful.

While I desperately need the exercise, my walks have also been reflective and about enjoyment.  Since spring is just now exerting its power, cutting through the woods from the path to the creek is open from the quickly awakening briars.  Many times over the past few weeks I've ventured off the path to the creek.  To listen, to breath, to praise the goodness of water flowing.

Monday, I went further.

My intent was to walk along the bank.  Then there was a downed tree.  I could have tried to climb around it, but the rocks made an easier path through the water.  I'm not sure you can jump from rock to rock without at least of a hint of a smile.

Exercise is good for the body and soul, but slowing down the pace to jump from rock to rock, to dip your fingers in the spring-cold, rushing water - that is a healing experience.  One I hope to take Birdie on later today.

Metaphorical Ramblings

The landscape was black and charred.  What had happened?  Was this a planned burn?  A careless camper?  A strike of lightning? Yet rising from desolation were crisp green shoots and persistent purple blooms.

I'll never forget that first glimpse of Yosemite.  We entered the park through winding roads criss-crossing the smoky remains of a mighty forest.   We never learned how the fire started, but what remained with me was the beauty of spring and new life emerging from the ashes even while large trees still smoked. 

My soul craves such a spring like my lungs require air.

Yet this year winter fights to hold on.  The sun is bright and looks warm, but the wind continues to bite and snowflakes drift just moments after warmth.

There are green shoots pushing through the black night of winter, and they bring me hope.

I never knew I would so desperately wish for spring.  And I'm learning from spring, that healing and growth come spurts and stops.  New growth takes time and warmth.  One day may be warm and sunny, followed by another snowy morning.  Something new will emerge - patience is required.  Like the remains of the forest fire, the big ones still smolder. 

We're coming through this dark season of our life.  Looking back I feel mightily blessed.  So many possible tragedies were simply trials.  What has seemed like a burnt wasteland is enabling new growth to emerge.  

Not Easy

It was 7 am and my two high schoolers should have been at school already.  However…

"The boy is NOT wearing any pants."

"The boy is STILL not wearing any pants."

"WHERE are the boy's pants?"

This was the running commentary from my oldest.  Meanwhile missing pants boy was searching for books, finding papers, signing forms and waiting for the pants to dry.  As I spun in circles trying to get one boy into the missing pants and both boys out the door, my oldest asked,

"Won't you your life be so much better and easier when we move out of the house?"

It was enough to stop me cold.

"No!"

No.  You see I never asked for easier.  I asked for children - children to love with more love than I knew I possessed.  And that's what makes my life better for all time.

These past four months have been the absolutely hardest and darkest of my life.  It's still hard. Things are getting a little better, but I also think we're just getting used to living with the hard things.

I would not trade one moment of these hard moments we've had - and trust me there have been moments I wouldn't wish on anyone - but I would not trade one moment if it meant being without my children.  Even in the midst of the difficult time.

I've learned a few things in the past few months.

• Sometimes when life is hard there's nothing you can do to fix it except pray AND pull up your boots and keep wading through the muck that is now your life.  Not eloquent, and also a PG version of the language I usually use, but true.
• Hard things can be very good things.  Hard conversations can be awful, hurtful, stressful, and at the same time very good for all involved.  I've learned to face the hard conversation and be glad for it afterwards.  Hard conversations don't have to end in fights.
• I know my children.  I've had my confidence shaken in a big way, but I know my children.  And when I consult my gut, God, and my husband, we usually come to a good decision.  
• That I am soooo blessed to be in this parenting thing with my dear husband.  We balance each other.  We support each other.  And as I told the kids one difficult Sunday when we were bickering, "We may drive each other crazy and be on each other's last nerve, but I still want to sit beside him and hold his hand in the middle of it."  
• That I absolutely do not have a brave or poker face.  I have a worried-face, tired-face, mad-face,  and I'm-biting-my-tongue-face, but no brave face to be found.  I never thought I had one, but it has been confirmed.  I cry too easily, and then I proceed to tell everyone I know how much I'm crying.  Yeah, no bravery for me.
• That New Years Day does not bring a change to life.  It's just another day. I didn't realize how I secretly wanted the New Year to bring peace to our lives, but I did. Unfortunately, it was a sad realization that problems don't just disappear from wishing.  Not only that, but more problems showed up the second week of January minutes after I declared I was at the end of my rope.
• Don't ever tell God you've had enough.  He'll decide when you've had enough.  That one's from my dear husband.  I wish he would have told me that earlier.  
• That my God is my lamp and the light in my darkness. There's not much more to know than that, now is there?  We will have troubles. There will be darkness. The darkness is not always about me or for me to understand.  But God will be with me. To this I cling.  

So life and children aren't easy.  But like I said I didn't ask for easy.  I asked to love.  And while I love their independence and dreams of their own futures, I don't look forward to the quiet days when they're gone.  I suspect that form of easy will be quite difficult in its own way.

The Talk - part many of many more….

One of my favorite quotes of a college guy friend is, "I wish I still knew everything I knew at 17. Because at 17 - I knew everything!"

Our oldest is right there.

His questions - or more accurately - critiques of us, his parents, really show how he is thinking about life and life choices at this stage. His critiques are usually of our parenting of his younger brother and sister. He wants us to be great parents and has no problem telling us where we could be, get this, stricter. But as we delve deep into a discussion, I usually realize there are questions behind his critiques. He's looking for our reasoning behind our choices and actions. He's looking for our statements and actions to match. Last night's conversation made me realize that these conversations will shape the type of parent he becomes one day. A day that I hope is more than a decade away, I might add.

Last night one topic he broached was sex. I laughed to myself when I heard the same exact words I had spoken at his age.

"Parents act like sex is some terrible thing."

And to some degree, we do. We talk about abstinence, pregnancies, diseases. We talk about waiting. Don't do it yet. Only once you're married.

He wanted real life answers to his very real questions. He didn't want to perfect answers that parents "should say." He wanted us to be real with him.

And while I was embarrassed at times, we had a great talk just the two of us. Afterwards, I brought his father and he together and brokered another talk. Our oldest has an easier time talking with me; yet, I hear from both my son and husband how they wish it was easier to talk to each other. I forced the issue last night, because I knew much of the wisdom I shared with our son, actually came from my conversations with Hon.

I'm so glad we had such an open and honest conversation. I will forever laugh and hopefully so laugh with my son over how many times Hon said, "So there are three issues with sex - pregnancy, diseases, and emotions."

Those were apparently his talking points, and he came back to that sentence over and over again. I swear the first time our son has sex he's going to be thinking, "Pregnancies, diseases, emotions." You had to be there. But oh, are we such "parents" at times.

Did we bring up God in our conversation last night? No.

Was I praying for his guidance and wisdom? Absolutely!!!

May God continue to guide our conversations. May he be involved in our every word and action. May he continue to build trust between our children and us. May this be just one of many talks. Amen.

Practicing the Piano

I feel called to begin writing again; and yet, I am so out of practice that it is painful.

Painful to find a place to start and even more painful to read. But it's an attempt to answer a desire that I can't deny. So here I go…because life really is just putting one foot in front of the other - no matter how gingerly.

I've started taking piano lessons when I was 9 years old. My best friend had taught me how to play Heart and Soul, and I begged for a piano and lessons. My parents found a piano either for $50 or free - no one really remembers - and my mom spent a few weeks lovingly removing kitty cat stickers and 47 coats of paint. I feel loved when I think of the effort she put forth for me.

It was a huge upright grand. And while it had a big sound, it never really stayed in tune very long. Not that it was tuned very often mind you. So three years ago, my dear husband replaced that piano with a beautiful baby grand for our anniversary. I dove back into playing music. I learned a few new songs, but I keep coming back to old favorites. I would practice and practice. Then I stopped practicing. Then I practiced some more.

You know what? I play the same three songs over and over again.

And you know what? I will never play them perfectly.

Never.

It was a huge day when I realized that I am not a "pianist." But I sure do love to play. I play songs that touch my heart over and over, mistake after mistake, and love each moment I'm playing. I think I have finally found grace in my lack of talent or perfection.

A friend tipped me off to the fact that there was a much deeper meaning to my little piano "aha" moment.

Yet, how does it apply to the rest of my life - my journey with God?

I've been through a season of seeing my "false" or sinful self. It hasn't been very uplifting. I keep trying and trying. I think I want God's transformation, yet all I see are my failures. No amount of practice or effort (I'm not even sure I give it much effort) seems to show a godly transformation.

Do you ever think you've almost got something figured out, but know you're not there yet?

The verse I keep coming back to this fall is Luke 22:42-43, "Yet not my will, but your will be done. And an angel appeared from heaven and strengthened him."

All my readings and thoughts conclude in the same place.

Not my will, but your will be done.

I don't have any answers to the great secrets of life except this one at the moment. I don't even want to imagine where it leads, because at times that's scary. I'm watching another mom deal with God's will for her life, and it's awful.

But I also know in the place beyond all understanding and knowledge that this is the key.

Not my will, but your will be done.

Daily Surrender

This month I've been reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers and loving it. Each day I find a few lines I underline and copy into my journal. Today's devotion was difficult. There wasn't a favorite line of epiphany - yet, I think I get it.

God witnesses to His Spirit within us. However, He cannot do that until we abandon ourselves to Him in total surrender.

Boy, when God wants to make a point in my life, He knows He has to keep hammering at the same idea. Surrendering to God is something that takes daily effort in my life. I've been considering this action a lot lately. I learned this summer, that just "knowing" I surrender isn't enough. I've found that I need to pray the words and contemplate what "surrendering" to His will might mean each day. It's what works for me. This is such hard work at times. I have so many of my own plans, lists, and desires. (And many of those lists pop into my head as I'm praying.) Yet at this moment I'm reminded,"Many are the plans of man's heart, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will prevail." Proverbs 19:20

I do want God's purpose to prevail in my life. I also want God's spirit bearing witness with my spirit. It is the Lord that produces all the good in my life. It is the Holy Spirit that produces all the good fruit in me and my life. The only way for that to happen is to move my worldly self right on out of the way.

It's like hiding behind a really big rock or maybe our beautiful home, my worldly possessions, my worldly desires all rolled into this one big colossal ball. There is no way for me to see around that big ball, and there's no way for God's light to shine on me if I'm hiding behind all my stuff. I'm attached to it you might say, valuing it more than God. Yet if I step around and away from my worldly ball, I can bask in the light of His love. I guess that's why I need to surrender daily. Each day I need to consider what I think my plans are and ask myself if they line up with what God would desire in my life - loving Him and loving my neighbor as myself. Do my plans involve pumping myself up or serving others with His love? God will reveal the answer if I ask. Then I need to step away from the world and towards God. He's there waiting for everyone who desires Him.

Dearest Lord, let me bask in your light. Let my humble, small life reflect You more and more each day. Let me daily look at my life and acknowledge the things and desires that stand between us. Help me to step away from the world and towards You. Lord, forgive me for the sin I do not see and the sins I do see and ignore. Thank you for not giving up on me when I forget lessons I've already learned. Let me draw closer to You each day. Amen.

His Favorite Patrick Swayze Movie

As we finished reading the paper this morning and Hon started fantasizing about the delicious omelet he wanted the good fairy (yes, that would be me) to make, I noticed there's an all out Patrick Swayze movie marathon this weekend. I relayed this news to a salivating (over the thoughts of mushrooms and Swiss cheese, not Patrick Swayze) Hon.

"You know there's only one good Patrick Swayze movie?" he replied.

??? "You mean Point Break?"

"No. That one is pretty good though. But there's only one really good one. You know which one I mean." he said with assurance.

"Youngblood? The hockey one?"

"No."

"Red Dawn?"

"No. What's that?"

"You can't mean Ghost?" What man ever picks Ghost or Dirty Dancing?

"No. I mean the really good one. You know what I mean."

At this point I am scanning the list of movies offered wondering how many Patrick Swayze movies he'd seen when...

"You can't mean Road House???? That's like the worst one." Besides the North-South mini-series which I secretly LOOOOVED.

"Yeah! That's the one. It's great. When does it come on?"

So here's to Patrick Swayze. Thanks for years of entertainment and movies you can watch over and over again.

A Witness of God's Kingdom

This week is shaping up to be stock full to the brim of blessings. Praise the Lord, and Whoohoo!

Last year I started volunteering at a local homeless day shelter. I am blessed more in those few hours washing dishes than I can yet wrap my earthly mind around. However this summer I wasn't able to volunteer due to those little treasures I call children. For some reason it seemed like they were around all the time; that is if I wasn't driving them to an activity. Summer sure can wear a Momma out if she's not at the beach.

Anyway, more about my blessings. Guess what? People were excited to see me at the shelter. That just made my heart sing. I reconnected with familiar faces. I work behind a counter in the kitchen, but I have the opportunity to talk with anyone who walks up for coffee. I witnessed a tender moment shortly after I arrived. A man greeted a buddy with, "Man, where have you been. I was ready to send a search party for you. I've been worried about you. How is life treating you?"

There was humor and teasing in his voice, but his care and love were enough to bring a tear to my eye and joy to my heart. The Lamb Center is a place where God just pours buckets of love on tender souls. Some are parched for care. Such as guest who normally is just a dear. She was clearly having a bad day. She was upset, and it was hard to understand what she needed. You know how it is when you've had a terrible day, and you end up yelling at the person who is trying to help you. God's spirit of peace was interceded. With her voice trembling full of emotion she finally conveyed what she needed. She was still upset and blew off a little more steam, but it was also clear that she knew someone was trying to help her. Many of us prayed for her day to improve.

Later the center received a phone call from a guest that is in the hospital. He complained that the food was just terrible, so he needed the director to bring him a piece of that good gooey chocolate cake the center has. Someone laughed that they weren't sure the director could drop everything to deliver cake, but I realized that this guest feels love and comfort at the Lamb Center. He wanted his community to continue to care for him. Or maybe he had an intense chocolate craving. Love comes in many forms.

Speaking of food - we were almost drowned in it Monday. I've never seen so much food come in at one time. At one point every counter was covered several dishes high as I stood in the middle of the floor holding a fruit salad the size a kiddie pool with no where to put it. May God pour extra blessings on those who follow His prompting to donate to the homeless. I can vouch that very hungry people walk into the center. They worry about getting any food. Monday there were smiles all around as they realized God had provided them with a mighty banquet.

To witness these modern day miracles feeding the hungry, care for the careworn, love for the sometimes hard to love is to witness God's Kingdom here on earth. Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to your glorious riches.

What a Difference a Summer Makes

I looked just a few posts back and realized that the last time I posted it was the weekend after Memorial Day. Here we are the weekend after Labor Day. Wow, it looks like I gave myself a summer vacation.

It was a fabulous summer vacation. Thank you very much for asking. I feel refreshed and ready to tackle life again.

Okay, so here's the real reason I've stayed away from blogging. I've struggled with this blog concept. I enjoy journaling about life. I like my blog.

But...

I'm struggling with whether or not to share my journaling publically. Am I just looking for attention? I certainly hope not. Am I embarassing myself with what I do reveal? Writing the true drivel that comes out of my mind does confirm that, "Yes, that's really the stuff she frets over, contemplates, wants to share with the world."

I'd love to chronical our lives just for me. But that certainly isn't blogging, that's scrapbooking. Not to mention Hon is very anti pics of the family on the web.

So to blog publically or not?

I miss it. So even though I don't consider myself a writer at all, I'm just a girl with WAY too much to say in her own head. If I write it rather than stay on the phone 24 hours a day, my friends might actually enjoy talking to me thankyouverymuch.