Not Easy

It was 7 am and my two high schoolers should have been at school already.  However…

"The boy is NOT wearing any pants."

"The boy is STILL not wearing any pants."

"WHERE are the boy's pants?"

This was the running commentary from my oldest.  Meanwhile missing pants boy was searching for books, finding papers, signing forms and waiting for the pants to dry.  As I spun in circles trying to get one boy into the missing pants and both boys out the door, my oldest asked,

"Won't you your life be so much better and easier when we move out of the house?"

It was enough to stop me cold.

"No!"

No.  You see I never asked for easier.  I asked for children - children to love with more love than I knew I possessed.  And that's what makes my life better for all time.

These past four months have been the absolutely hardest and darkest of my life.  It's still hard. Things are getting a little better, but I also think we're just getting used to living with the hard things.

I would not trade one moment of these hard moments we've had - and trust me there have been moments I wouldn't wish on anyone - but I would not trade one moment if it meant being without my children.  Even in the midst of the difficult time.

I've learned a few things in the past few months.

• Sometimes when life is hard there's nothing you can do to fix it except pray AND pull up your boots and keep wading through the muck that is now your life.  Not eloquent, and also a PG version of the language I usually use, but true.
• Hard things can be very good things.  Hard conversations can be awful, hurtful, stressful, and at the same time very good for all involved.  I've learned to face the hard conversation and be glad for it afterwards.  Hard conversations don't have to end in fights.
• I know my children.  I've had my confidence shaken in a big way, but I know my children.  And when I consult my gut, God, and my husband, we usually come to a good decision.  
• That I am soooo blessed to be in this parenting thing with my dear husband.  We balance each other.  We support each other.  And as I told the kids one difficult Sunday when we were bickering, "We may drive each other crazy and be on each other's last nerve, but I still want to sit beside him and hold his hand in the middle of it."  
• That I absolutely do not have a brave or poker face.  I have a worried-face, tired-face, mad-face,  and I'm-biting-my-tongue-face, but no brave face to be found.  I never thought I had one, but it has been confirmed.  I cry too easily, and then I proceed to tell everyone I know how much I'm crying.  Yeah, no bravery for me.
• That New Years Day does not bring a change to life.  It's just another day. I didn't realize how I secretly wanted the New Year to bring peace to our lives, but I did. Unfortunately, it was a sad realization that problems don't just disappear from wishing.  Not only that, but more problems showed up the second week of January minutes after I declared I was at the end of my rope.
• Don't ever tell God you've had enough.  He'll decide when you've had enough.  That one's from my dear husband.  I wish he would have told me that earlier.  
• That my God is my lamp and the light in my darkness. There's not much more to know than that, now is there?  We will have troubles. There will be darkness. The darkness is not always about me or for me to understand.  But God will be with me. To this I cling.  

So life and children aren't easy.  But like I said I didn't ask for easy.  I asked to love.  And while I love their independence and dreams of their own futures, I don't look forward to the quiet days when they're gone.  I suspect that form of easy will be quite difficult in its own way.