The grace we turn to God for this week is that we might know our sin –I’ve got to tell you this had me running scared. I don’t know about you, but I’ve got some sins I know all too well. They are a shame that scares me. I have some sins that I see as awful. I find them so horrendous, I don’t even want to consider how God must feel. I have deep regrets. So this week of focusing on this subject made me laugh maniacally, in fear.
completely and profoundly – so that we might know the depth of God’s love for us
personally. We want to know our sin at the level of our feelings.
I found facing the following directions particularly hilarious in an impossible it-might-kill-me kind of way.
In considering my sins, have I thoughtfully considered what I have
done? Failed to do? Habitually? Instinctively? Made my own rules?
Been dishonest? Cruel or abusive? Lustful, greedy, controlling, rationalized and
made excuses? Who have I hurt or damaged because of my selfishness?
Have I been deaf to the cry of the poor? Not wanted to get involved?
Insulated myself, lived in my own world, so I’m not bothered by the needs of
others?
Well, I just saw this as a pit I might not ever crawl out of. Then the retreat said I should see this deep self-knowledge with the depth of God’s forgiveness and love. It shouldn’t be depressing , but liberating. The whole purpose of this week is to experience deep gratitude of the profound depth of God’s love and mercy for me.
Just go ahead and call me doubting Thomas. I was NOT looking forward to working through the retreat this week. I was even considering skipping it. Maybe it was time to quit. And now I realize had God not lifted me up with a great discussion with my retreat partner, I would have never attempted this task.
I read through the Guide for the week with much fear, doubt, and worry right before I went to bed the other night. But I knew that God has me on his journey. I prayed for His help and guidance through this week. I prayed to focus where he directs.
Thankfully, God got the stuff I consider my debilitating sins out of the way pretty quickly. I’ve been mulling over my past and regrets for the past few months. Several instances have really brought them to mind. Knowing I had confessed, knowing God offers forgiveness and mercy, and yet I still felt extreme shame. Shame that made me question too many other things. I awoke in the middle of the night and prayed through several of the things that were bothering me. I thought of some additional prejudices I had about the situations. I asked for forgiveness for biases I had never realized I had before. I wasn’t awake for long. When I awoke the next morning I was filled with such peace. Even now 2 days later I can’t work up the shame I was feeling that night. God has given me peace and forgiveness. It is a gift. And to imagine I feared this gift. As I told my friend Kelly, I faced what I feared, and my head didn’t blow up. Amazing! Hallelujah!
God quickly moved me on to something else that I have been avoiding with conscious blinders. Last night was filled with dreams about a family member. I have not had a brotherly attitude or kind thoughts about a family member lately. I have known it. I have known I need to make peace with the situation. I just need to pick up the phone and be kind. And yet I have avoided it, and avoided it, and avoided it. I have literally closed my eyes and stuck my fingers in my ears and said, “Lalalalalala – I don’t want to forgive and move on. I was completely right in my judgments.” That’s where God has me pointed today. It’s still up to me to make that step. I need to do it. Please let me have the strength to do the right thing.
God is kind and merciful. He can change us. He loves us. And he can do it all without making our heads blow up. :)
1 comment:
So far, my head hasn't blown up either, but it isn't very fun :-)
So glad that we're in this together!
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