School Days

Well, I've done it again. I knew I would. I didn't even try and fool myself into thinking that I wouldn't do it this year. After 38 years in this world, I don't imagine anyone will ever use the terms "calm, cool, totally together" to describe my particular style of motherhood.

In fact, after a first meeting, my children's teachers might even say, "She scared me a little."


Not in a big, bad, Mom who always gets her way kind of scared .


But in a shetalkedsofastandactedsospasmodicIthoughtshejustmightpassout kind of way.


Yesterday was the first day back for teachers at my children's schools. Since we're not going to be in town for open house, and I had to drop off a salad for the teacher luncheon, I informed Birdie,

"Put on some decent clothes. I think you want to meet your teacher."

(Anyone who read this can guess what Birdie was wearing.)

"But mom, I don't want to change, and I already know what she looks like," Birdie answered.

"You heard me. You want to meet her, and I want to meet her, and I definitely want to check out your brother's teacher."

We did not take my son with us. First of all, he has been mortified since the age of 6 that his mother appears in public. The fact that I talk to people that he knows can drive him into a silence that lasts for days. He would not have dared to walk into his new classroom with his mom in tow. He'd like me to drop him off at the corner on the first day of school, thankyouverymuch.

However, I'm a little nervous about my middle child's teacher. I hear she's excellent, but I'd also heard a few other things. So, I wanted to check her out, introduce myself, and make a good impression.


We all know that didn't happen.


I'm so glad my son wasn't along to witness this. He would have become a 5th grade drop out.



I introduced myself. But you know that involves talking, and I was nervous, and I just kept, you know talking, and talking, and talking. Meanwhile her eyes got bigger and bigger, and I really didn't have that much to say for someone who just would.not.shut.up. Finally, I offered to volunteer in the classroom, and she kindly let me write down my name and number.

I was just about ready to leave when I pulled the classic line that all teachers dread hearing. Unfortunately, I've been doing this for years and never realized until recently that I probably make them physically ill when I say, "You know, I used to teach."

This year I made it even better. In 5th grade students have to take a statewide writing test. So not only did I comment that I used to teach, but I also added the zinger that I used to teach for the writing test. Oh, don't you know I am her A#1 parent to avoid in the future.

And she hasn't even met my son yet.

I really hope and pray that his teachers and my daughter's teacher from last year reassure her that I am much better on the second meeting. I'll keep completely out of her way and volunteer to handle any messy art project that she wants to avoid. I don't mind copying and cutting out stuff for hours. I'll even take the rowdy kids in my group on field trips without the first complaint.

Maybe, I can make it until the 2nd or 3rd meeting with my other son's teachers before I crow about teaching. At least I'll try to breathe in between sentences.

Footnote: Oh, and yes I do realize that it is my child's teacher and school experience and not mine. Because, I'm sure that is totally obvious in all my completely ridiculous actions.